it always seems like right when i need someone, no one is around. i'm having one of those days when i want to go to la. i want to just pack my shit up and leave.

nothing horrible has happened. there's just... stress. i feel like my family doesn't give a shit about my mom dying. my mom may have had her issues but she was still my mom and i still love her very much. while i feel relieved that i don't have to suffer alongside her anymore, i am not relieved to live my life without my mother.

maybe part of the reason why i feel so bad about things is because we haven't really moved on. everyone is still in the "i don't give a shit, we don't have to clean, who gives a fuck?' stage. i can't stay there anymore. i have to feel like life is moving forward. i can't let everything go. i can't let my mother's house fall apart because everyone wants to be in their little safe cocoons. mom died. it's horrible. it's shitty. but we're adults and now we have to pick up the slack. no one is helping me pick up the slack.

i go between trying to understand that things are new and different now that mom has passed... and wanting to tell some of these people to stay the fuck out of our lives. i'm angry. i know my mom pushed some of them away... but honestly, there is nothing my brother or sister could do to make me stay away from them, especially if i thought they had mental issues. so, while i understand that my mother may have pushed them away, i also want to tell these people that they didn't try hard enough as siblings, either. i want to tell them that it's true that my mother thought they didn't care... but they didn't do anything to ease her paranoia of them not caring by simply calling to say hi. maybe that's why my siblings and i are so loyal to each other... my mother taught us better than her own mother taught her.

love to all.

Catharsis

I want to listen to something sad and sweet but maybe I should just listen to my own heart beating within my chest...

My sister and I had a good talk tonight about my mother's passing. For those of you who don't know, my mother suffered from mental illnesses for as long as I can remember. She wouldn't get help. Living with my mother was, quite honestly, hell. The things my mother said and did... it wasn't just your average, run of the mill mother/daughter angst. After I was raped at 14, my mother called me a whore. She was always paranoid about my father cheating on her (which he never did) and oftentimes, my siblings and I would bear the brunt of her paranoia. She never physically abused us... but she dragged us down into her anxious, scared and tense darkness with her. We were isolated from family members.

Over the years, I also think my mother became dependant on her pain pills. Whenever I would try to confront my mother, she would threaten me for calling her a "drug addict", which, technically, she was because her body had become dependant on the meds. She needed the meds to function and that signifies an addiction. About two months before she passed away, I was bitten on the leg by a spider and I had to be taken to the hospital in the middle of the night because I couldn't even walk. After the doctor opened the bite and removed the infected tissue, my leg felt better. When I came home, my mother offered me an oxycontin for the pain. I stared at her incredulously. I was not about to take that kind of medication for an infected insect bite.

As my sister and I were talking tonight, she said she felt guilty because she hasn't been as upset as I have since our mother passed. I told her that I've been upset because I feel guilty for thinking that life is easier without her. Only those of you who are very close to me know what used to happen in my house. I don't miss the screaming. I don't miss the crying. I don't miss the isolation. I don't miss WISHING that she'd get herself some help so we could be a whole family again.

My mother had been sick for about 15 years when she died. She started having these little breakdowns when I was about ten years old. Maybe that's when I just started noticing them, though, because people on my mother's side of the family have said that she's always had them. She used to blame me for her unhappiness... because my health was fragile. I was tutored at home from 3rd to 6th grade and I remember her saying "I can't be with this sick kid all the time!" and I remember thinking "Well, there's nowhere for ME to go! I AM the sick kid..."

After she died, my sister and I both had nightmares that she came back. She came back and isolated the family again. In those dreams, I fought with her as if she were alive. I cried. I screamed. I yelled in her face. 'You can't do this to us again! Go away... leave.' I wish I didn't have to feel that way about my mother.

Life is changing. There are shifts within the family and I have to keep reminding myself "THIS is what is normal... what you knew before was not." I feel like, in some ways, my mother made us feral. I feel like my immediate family is very close and tight-knit and anyone who tries to come into the circle needs to be torn apart... I need to let that go. I need to realize that the people coming into our lives right now (people from my mom's side of the family, mainly) have WANTED to be a part of our lives but my mother kept them away. My mother instilled an "us-against-them" feeling in us because she was a frightened, paranoid woman. What is happening now is normal and right. People need people. As a family, we are all we have. It's scary and strange and I'm trying to get used to it. I have these internal dialogues with myself and they help me. A couple weeks ago, I was in the shower and I thought to myself "Where were these people when mom was so sick? Where were these people when mom was in the hospital? Where were these people?" and then I realized "Oh yeah... mom kept them away."

I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm letting go.

Love to all.

The Winter Of Discontent

Maybe I'm just seriously depressed about my mother's passing, but when someone tries to blame shitty behavior on a family issue they happen to be having, I want to say "But did you lose your mom? I did and I'm not acting like a complete jackass." Tonight, someone blamed shitty behavior on the fact that his cousin is going to jail. Guess what, dude? You were a doucher BEFORE you found out your cousin was going to jail. Also, I'm about to lose a third person within a five month time period, alright? A cousin going to jail isn't exactly on par to losing two beloved aunts and your mother, okay!?

I feel like I've been dealing with a lot of self-centered people lately and they make me feel bad for NEEDING to be self-centered right now. That's just the kind of person I am, though. There are things I just deal with on my own and I don't think it's anyone's business. Not because I'm being secretive.. but because I know everyone has their bullshit to deal with. I certainly shouldn't be complaining about my shitty life to someone who is having a REALLY shitty go. Okay, let me explain this... I was talking to Summer earlier about self-centered people... people who seem to have no fucking clue how lucky they are and complain complain complain just because someone isn't there every second of every fucking day. While I think my mother dying is really horrible, I certainly wouldn't go to a homeless person to complain about it, okay? Do you have any idea how insane that would sound? "Yeah, I know you freeze almost every night... I know you get maybe one meal a day... but god damn it! My mom died! So WHAT if I have a warm place to sleep every night and food in my fridge? Can't you see how important MY problems are!?" Yeah.... no. I have this thing we like to call perspective. I wish more people had perspective. When people talk from their asses, I wish they'd think a little bit. I have a friend who recently complained about how his birthday was crappy because all he did was go out to dinner with his folkS. I would give anything to have a birthday dinner with just my folkS. See, I don't have parents anymore. I just have my dad. While I love my dad, I would love for them to BOTH be here. That's ALL he gets to do? Well, that's more than I'll ever do for my birthday ever again, my friend, simply because the woman who gave birth to me is no longer here.

I'm sorry that I'm feeling this way. I know not everyone's life has changed because mine has. I know that not everyone's family dynamic has changed because mine has. BUT... I wish people would be a bit more sensitive and learn from my loss. I wish people could see what's really important. I wish people would gain perspective from my pain. I wish people knew just how deeply I'm hurting.

Last night, as I was getting ready to fall asleep next to Todd, this wave of sadness came over me. He was holding me. When I started crying, he could feel it... the uneven breathing. He pulled me closer and he just let me lay there and cry in his arms. I miss my mom a lot at night, when everything has gone quiet. After about 20 minutes, Todd had consoled me enough to stop crying... but I still wasn't ready to go back to sleep yet. I stayed up and read an entire book of children's stories. I read until my eyes would no longer stay open.. and then I turned off the light and hunkered down next to my sleeping boyfriend and I slept peacefully for the remainer of the night.

Spring cannot come fast enough...

Love to all.

Red Eggs And Coffee

Random---

---Todd bought coffee for me to keep at his place. This is a big thing because he doesn't drink coffee. He's snazzy. When I dated Zach, he was such a BASTARD about my coffee consumption. He would tell me that I should drink 'natural' (since when is coffee unnatural, anyway?) stimulants and shit while he drank beer after beer. I'm glad I'm dating a guy who just lets me be who I am! Thank GOD! I don't like it when people tell me what to do, especially if I'm dating the person. It's one thing if the person in question is in a position of power at work or something... but if I'm DATING a guy and he thinks he can tell me how to dress, what to eat, yadda yadda yadda... he's got another thing coming.

---I have new glasses now. They look very librarian-esque. I really like them. My prescription is a bit stronger this time so the glasses are going to take a little getting used to. I'm not wearing them right now and I JUST put them on for a second... and my eyes felt really funny. Maybe I should go make myself some lunch here in a few minutes and go watch some TV... to get my eyes used to the glasses, of course. I'm just used to having broken glasses so I don't put them on when I get on the computer. I kinda feel like I'm going cross-eyed when I wear them. It's probably because the astigmatism is being corrected for the first time in a while. I assume it's kind of like a cast for my corneas, forcing them to behave like they should.

---I'm drinking my new coffee. Raspberry chocolate. Yum.

---We've decided to have a different kind of baby shower for my sister-in-law. In her home country (China), there is a reception for the baby about a month after it's born. We're going to do something like that. We'll have tradtional baby shower type things but we're going to fuse the two traditions together. We'll have homemade Chinese food, cake and women AND men will be allowed to come to the party. I've spent some time looking up traditions and it's going to be called a "Red Egg" party. I shall explain more at a later time...but it's a lovely tradition and one that I might carry out with my children, even though I'm not Chinese.

Anyway, I'm going to go eat some lunch and watch TV for a bit to get used to my glasses. I hope everyone is having a spectacular day.

Love,
Me

Laura Is Not A Puddle Or Shallow Like One

I'm kind of on a writing kick right now. I've deleted Alex from my Myspace. Partly out of respect to Todd.. because I know how I would feel if he had an ex he thought he was going to marry on HIS Myspace and also out of respect to myself. I erased him several weeks ago but I didn't have the courage to tell him why I erased him. Learning what it feels like to have real love outside of my family for the first time, I can say that I have found courage. I erased Alex initially because I don't want to be friends with people who are mean to me. He may not be actively mean to me at the present moment, but I am not interested in being friends with a man who told me to "fuck off, asshole" simply because he wanted to start a new relationship. I mean, how insane is that!? The ends justifying the means. I took Alex off of my myspace because he is not my friend. I took Alex off of my Myspace to show him that you cannot treat someone any way you want and still expect them to want to be your friend. I'm tired of this new-age bullshit that says you have to be friends with your ex. I don't WANT to be friends with a man who treated me like crap, okay!? I don't care if I shared part of my life with him. He has no place in my life... especially now when I'm experiencing mutual respect, trust and love for the first time. I don't wish Alex ill or anything... but the reasons I don't want to be friends with him are the same reasons why things didn't work out between us romantically. I'm just so tired of bullshit and being friends with Alex would be just that... bullshit... because I don't WANT to be his friend. Also, to be honest with you, I'm not interested in being friends with people I share very little in common with. I like my relationships to be bonded and close and I find it hard to be bonded and close with those I share nothing with. The only thing Alex and I have in common is that we used to date. That's not enough to build a friendship on. I'm sorry that I'm rambling on. I'm just tired of being bullied by what society feeds me.

"Be friends with your ex"
"Act like nothing ever happened, even though the person hurt you like you've never been hurt before"
"Be shallow"
"Accept apologies even if the acception of said apology is not deserved"

Would he expect me to want to be friends with him if he had hit me? Emotional bullshit is no different than physical abuse... in many ways, it's more damaging. I'm just not in the business of being friends with him to ease his conscience. I am not that shallow.

Again, something I've been wanting to say for a long time...

Love to all.

Fear Is Not My Bedfellow

I've discovered that most of us have an internal coping mechanism which tells us things will be okay, even if we've been down a certain road before. To the pessimist, this coping mechanism is seen as blind stupidity. To the optimist, it is seen as a sign that things must be perfect. To the realist (a category I fall into), it just is what it is. A coping mechanism.

I have no problem with people having their own opinions of others but I do have a problem with others thinking that their opinions are facts.

The reason I bring this up is because I recently read a blog about people getting into new relationships and how people will make the same mistakes over and over again. One does not need to berate people for making the choice to be in a relationship if one does not want to be in a relationship... That is perceived as bitterness. It is perceived as anger.

I was talking to a friend recently and he told me that he was proud of me for putting myself out there again after being so hurt in the past. I wanted to smack this friend. A)I've NEVER been one to lay down and lament my life and broken heart and B) I do not believe in giving up on everyone just because one person was wrong for me. I think it's utter bullshit when people are "so hurt" they can't even go on. I think it's an excuse to act like an asshole. Buck the fuck up, yo. Some people suck and that's just how life is. I guess this person just annoyed me with his "it's so great that you can move on" shit because it was then blatantly clear that this person did not know me at all. I am not a drama queen. The mediocre love of a man who didn't even deserve me does not make or break who I am. I do not think my experiences make me... my ability to cope with the experiences makes me into the woman I am. I am not a girl. I am extroverted but I spend a lot of time thinking quietly to myself. I'm extremely introspective. I learn from everything that happens to me. I understand what's going on in my life because I take the time to think about it... and therefore, I am not afraid of it. I am not afraid to love. I am not afraid to move forward. I am not afraid to keep going. I am not afraid of making my life into what I want it to be. The fear of moving on, I believe, is born of ignorance. Take some time to yourself. Think about things. I also tend to think that fear of being in relationships is from a lack of self-reliance. Whenever you venture into ANY relationship, you must take some personal responsibility. No, you are not responsible for how someone treats you but you are responsible for what you do with how they treat you. I know a lot of people who just want to put the blame of every failed relationship onto their ex. You can't do that. I will tell you right now that while I wasn't a bitch to Alex, I should not have been in that relationship and I knew it. I chose to stay and that's my fault. Accept responsibilty for your part of failed relationships. Accept your own humanity. Think about things and try to figure out what you did wrong. Try to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Whatever you do, do not live your life in fear of being hurt or you will never truly live.

Love to all.

Equilibrium

Sometimes, it's better to start new when things get to be too much. I erased the old blog. There was a lot on there that I never wish to see the light of day... there was a lot on there that I now regret getting rid of.. namely the posts about my mother immediately following her death. They were so raw, open and painful.

Life is slowly getting back to normal. Chaotic, yes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My nephew is about to be born, I'm going to start a new show, Aunt Peg is coming to Omaha.. everything has felt a little out of control since mom's death. I don't know if things were actually out of control or if I just felt like a lost child without my mother...

I've found some control and stability, though. Theatre gives me stability. Eating dinner with Todd and my family gives me stability. I feel how I've been longing to feel since my mother's passing.

I've noticed that when I sleep at Todd's apartment, I fall asleep easily... more so than I do at home. A) I think sleeping next to someone who I have so much in common with and love so much comforts me and B)whether I wanted it to happen or not, knowing that my mother died in this house kind of haunts me at night. I will be falling asleep and all of a sudden, my eyes pop open and I will remember. It causes mini panic attacks.

I feel like I haven't been a very good friend lately. I don't think I should feel that way, though. I've been a good friend. I'm simply at a point in my life where I'm growing a lot. Changes are happening and I find myself speaking to people who cannot change or grow with me less and less. Summer, this is not directed at you. In fact, I think you know who I'm directing this towards, girly. I've come to a place where I'm kind of upset because I've been made to feel like a bad friend. I'm going to be 27 this year. I do not have the same goals for my life as I did at 22 or 23. I've grown as a person. My mother's death has matured me. I've softened as I've grown older, too, and I no longer have this "me-against-the-world" cynicism. I do not think I'm better than anyone. I do not think I'm less than anyone. I just.. am. I am comfortable with myself right now. I've grown. I'm happy. Life is about acceptance and change. I completely identify with the Serenity Prayer and I think a lot of people could learn a lot if they really listened to what the prayer is saying.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Love to all.