Equilibrium

Sometimes, it's better to start new when things get to be too much. I erased the old blog. There was a lot on there that I never wish to see the light of day... there was a lot on there that I now regret getting rid of.. namely the posts about my mother immediately following her death. They were so raw, open and painful.

Life is slowly getting back to normal. Chaotic, yes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My nephew is about to be born, I'm going to start a new show, Aunt Peg is coming to Omaha.. everything has felt a little out of control since mom's death. I don't know if things were actually out of control or if I just felt like a lost child without my mother...

I've found some control and stability, though. Theatre gives me stability. Eating dinner with Todd and my family gives me stability. I feel how I've been longing to feel since my mother's passing.

I've noticed that when I sleep at Todd's apartment, I fall asleep easily... more so than I do at home. A) I think sleeping next to someone who I have so much in common with and love so much comforts me and B)whether I wanted it to happen or not, knowing that my mother died in this house kind of haunts me at night. I will be falling asleep and all of a sudden, my eyes pop open and I will remember. It causes mini panic attacks.

I feel like I haven't been a very good friend lately. I don't think I should feel that way, though. I've been a good friend. I'm simply at a point in my life where I'm growing a lot. Changes are happening and I find myself speaking to people who cannot change or grow with me less and less. Summer, this is not directed at you. In fact, I think you know who I'm directing this towards, girly. I've come to a place where I'm kind of upset because I've been made to feel like a bad friend. I'm going to be 27 this year. I do not have the same goals for my life as I did at 22 or 23. I've grown as a person. My mother's death has matured me. I've softened as I've grown older, too, and I no longer have this "me-against-the-world" cynicism. I do not think I'm better than anyone. I do not think I'm less than anyone. I just.. am. I am comfortable with myself right now. I've grown. I'm happy. Life is about acceptance and change. I completely identify with the Serenity Prayer and I think a lot of people could learn a lot if they really listened to what the prayer is saying.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Love to all.