The Winter Of Discontent

Maybe I'm just seriously depressed about my mother's passing, but when someone tries to blame shitty behavior on a family issue they happen to be having, I want to say "But did you lose your mom? I did and I'm not acting like a complete jackass." Tonight, someone blamed shitty behavior on the fact that his cousin is going to jail. Guess what, dude? You were a doucher BEFORE you found out your cousin was going to jail. Also, I'm about to lose a third person within a five month time period, alright? A cousin going to jail isn't exactly on par to losing two beloved aunts and your mother, okay!?

I feel like I've been dealing with a lot of self-centered people lately and they make me feel bad for NEEDING to be self-centered right now. That's just the kind of person I am, though. There are things I just deal with on my own and I don't think it's anyone's business. Not because I'm being secretive.. but because I know everyone has their bullshit to deal with. I certainly shouldn't be complaining about my shitty life to someone who is having a REALLY shitty go. Okay, let me explain this... I was talking to Summer earlier about self-centered people... people who seem to have no fucking clue how lucky they are and complain complain complain just because someone isn't there every second of every fucking day. While I think my mother dying is really horrible, I certainly wouldn't go to a homeless person to complain about it, okay? Do you have any idea how insane that would sound? "Yeah, I know you freeze almost every night... I know you get maybe one meal a day... but god damn it! My mom died! So WHAT if I have a warm place to sleep every night and food in my fridge? Can't you see how important MY problems are!?" Yeah.... no. I have this thing we like to call perspective. I wish more people had perspective. When people talk from their asses, I wish they'd think a little bit. I have a friend who recently complained about how his birthday was crappy because all he did was go out to dinner with his folkS. I would give anything to have a birthday dinner with just my folkS. See, I don't have parents anymore. I just have my dad. While I love my dad, I would love for them to BOTH be here. That's ALL he gets to do? Well, that's more than I'll ever do for my birthday ever again, my friend, simply because the woman who gave birth to me is no longer here.

I'm sorry that I'm feeling this way. I know not everyone's life has changed because mine has. I know that not everyone's family dynamic has changed because mine has. BUT... I wish people would be a bit more sensitive and learn from my loss. I wish people could see what's really important. I wish people would gain perspective from my pain. I wish people knew just how deeply I'm hurting.

Last night, as I was getting ready to fall asleep next to Todd, this wave of sadness came over me. He was holding me. When I started crying, he could feel it... the uneven breathing. He pulled me closer and he just let me lay there and cry in his arms. I miss my mom a lot at night, when everything has gone quiet. After about 20 minutes, Todd had consoled me enough to stop crying... but I still wasn't ready to go back to sleep yet. I stayed up and read an entire book of children's stories. I read until my eyes would no longer stay open.. and then I turned off the light and hunkered down next to my sleeping boyfriend and I slept peacefully for the remainer of the night.

Spring cannot come fast enough...

Love to all.