it always seems like right when i need someone, no one is around. i'm having one of those days when i want to go to la. i want to just pack my shit up and leave.

nothing horrible has happened. there's just... stress. i feel like my family doesn't give a shit about my mom dying. my mom may have had her issues but she was still my mom and i still love her very much. while i feel relieved that i don't have to suffer alongside her anymore, i am not relieved to live my life without my mother.

maybe part of the reason why i feel so bad about things is because we haven't really moved on. everyone is still in the "i don't give a shit, we don't have to clean, who gives a fuck?' stage. i can't stay there anymore. i have to feel like life is moving forward. i can't let everything go. i can't let my mother's house fall apart because everyone wants to be in their little safe cocoons. mom died. it's horrible. it's shitty. but we're adults and now we have to pick up the slack. no one is helping me pick up the slack.

i go between trying to understand that things are new and different now that mom has passed... and wanting to tell some of these people to stay the fuck out of our lives. i'm angry. i know my mom pushed some of them away... but honestly, there is nothing my brother or sister could do to make me stay away from them, especially if i thought they had mental issues. so, while i understand that my mother may have pushed them away, i also want to tell these people that they didn't try hard enough as siblings, either. i want to tell them that it's true that my mother thought they didn't care... but they didn't do anything to ease her paranoia of them not caring by simply calling to say hi. maybe that's why my siblings and i are so loyal to each other... my mother taught us better than her own mother taught her.

love to all.